Suze (fidrich) wrote in scribble_daily,


I really can't believe I'm writing this. I've never told anyone this story before, and I've already heard Simon and Jake talking about their first kiss, so I know I'll sound so stupid. But it's what I've to write, so I guess I have to.

I was in first year at my old school: about eleven years old, very unpopular, you know the drill. I was at my friend Amy's, because we used to study together sometimes. She was my best friend, but... I think that was mostly by default, you know, because we were both the sort of person who spent their time in primary school by themselves, and then got to secondary school and suddenly realised they had no one to hang out with. Everyone else already had friends. We weren't wanted. So it wasn't like in books and TV programmes where the geeks band together in deep, lifelong friendships, and the popular people repress the feeling that they don't have any 'real' friends. I think if we'd had the chance, both of us would have killed to be one of those popular people.

So I was at this girl Amy's house - no, wait, she was at mine. I'm not doing this very well, am I? I bet Simon's is much better. We were at my house and we were doing one of those silly like projects they give first-years, this one for science: research the animal of your choice. I was doing wolves; Amy was doing some obscure kind of bird, a mountain chough or something, probably just to show how smart and well-informed she was. The TV was on but we weren't watching it. She was sitting on my bed, surrounded by books, and I was sitting on the floor with my back against it.

But Amy, well... she'd sort of been acting weird around me for a while, y'know? It's hard to describe. She was quite an akward person around most people, and she'd try to cover it up with these assertive statement that just didn't suit her or her body language or... I don' know, she just came across as akward. With most people. She'd never really been like that with me, but for the past couple of days she had been. It was disconcerting.

So we were just sort of chatting over the sound of the TV, occasionally jotting down something from a book or saying things like "oh, maybe I'll photocopy that picture to put on page five", when she slid off the bed to sit next to me. And for a minute we just sat there like before, but then she said "Ross" and I looked up and she leaned over and kissed me.

Oh, God. I can't even think about it without cringing. I was too shocked to think. The first thing I remember thinking was "Oh my God, I'm kissing a girl. What am I supposed to be doing?"

After a minute she broke away. She just looked at me, with this look; like she expected me to do or say something, but I'd completely forgotten what I was supposed to do or even how to speak, I think. And then - as if the whole experience wasn't bad enough - she said "Ross..." and I blurted "I think I like boys".

I don't know where it came from. I don't know how I even knew - after all, lots of straight boys have bad first kisses. I'd read about it in books. But it was the truth.

For a moment she looked as if I'd slapped her. I couldn't even believe what I'd just said. Then her face went really impassive, and she stood up. "I have to go now," she said. And she did. Just got up and left.

We moved house not long after that; it was years before I was at Greenwood Secondary, before all the fights and getting sent here. Me and Amy, we never spoke about what happened. I don't think she ever mentioned it to anyone else. I know I didn't.

Well. Until now.
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